dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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