I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
