I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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