It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
