Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize