The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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