I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
