Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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