I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
