Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
