Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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