Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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