This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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