I love black thongs
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The Olympian is in my bed
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
