Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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