I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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