it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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