he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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