all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
