So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
