the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
