So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
