I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
