Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
