I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
