Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
