All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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