I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
