just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
