So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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