Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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