good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize