brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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