I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
