Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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