i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I need to calm my uterus...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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