I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
All the doctor said was why
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize