umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
we're so committed to being not committed
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
