It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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