So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
