the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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