youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You can't special order awesome
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
