i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
