How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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