Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Also, beer. Big fan.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
