i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
