I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
