apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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