don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
