My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize