I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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