Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
