yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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