I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and she was petting her beer can
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
And then he peed in my hair
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
