i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
