Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Can I color on your dick again?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
