you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
