Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize