fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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