I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
