Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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