You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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