someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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