I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
