you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
