This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
