We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you're hired as official boob wrangler
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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