saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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