Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
