WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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